I have been dreading starting this blog. I’ve been talking about it for weeks. Months, actually. This is my second version of this post. The first one was terrible. It wasn’t terrible; it was just safe. I did the same thing I always do and carefully controlled my narrative. I said I was scared to write about myself and mentioned how much I hated to be raw and vulnerable, but didn’t go deeper than that.
So, here we go…close your eyes, hold your nose, and jump into the deep end. I almost drowned once as a kid during a swimming lesson so I have always hated jumping into the deep end. I don’t like being a person who is afraid of things so I learned how to get over it.
Why in the hell would I write a blog if I hate it so much?
I like writing. And, I actually can write. I have always written and rewritten for myself and others…professional articles, nationally-recognized blogs, resumes, cover letters, proposals, and marketing materials. All of that writing and I have never written about me.
I didn’t drown that summer afternoon in the pool at the Dothan Country Club, and I am not going to drown today. That feeling of panic after miscalculating how long it would take me to get my head above water still lives with me. The top of the water wasn’t where it was supposed to be and I felt stuck…I couldn’t breathe. I could see the sun and the shadow from the diving board, but didn’t know how to get there. Even worse was that my instructor didn’t even notice. I was in full on panic mode…dying…and he had no idea.
Maybe it didn’t register with him because there were too many kids for him to pay attention to at one time. In reality, a more likely story is that he never even knew I was freaking out. I didn’t kick my legs or flail my arms like one thinks they would do when they are drowning. Apparently, that doesn’t actually happen when you are drowning.
I am generally able to appear calm when my insides are in knots. Racing thoughts, heart palpitations, stomach flip flopping…you would never know it! I may get a little quiet, but I am generally a listen first, speak second type of person so it seems like pretty normal behavior.
So here I am sitting on my bed furiously typing away on my laptop and it looks like I know what I am doing. On the inside, I can’t breathe. I can see the sun and the water line, but I can’t get there.
I coach people to get over their fears and convince them to do the hard things. Hypocrite. So, I am going to do the scariest thing I can do and let people see the real me.
I am going to share MY story here through this blog. This year has been one of massive change in all aspects of my life. Everything I have been doing has pointed me in the direction of writing things down. I am going to start writing. A blog. A book. An article. A journal. Just writing. I am going to open up and get raw and vulnerable on this site. Stick around. I am going to jump into the deep end and keep doing it until I can jump without closing my eyes.